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TRUST – Reflecting on my chosen Word for 2018

For weeks I have procrastinated writing this blog post – it is like the infamous fear of the white page, of bringing the words into order; the more I wait the whiter the page (or the screen) becomes. So, well… as this post is going to be all about TRUST… now, there is nothing I can do apart from finally DOING IT and trusting it the way I’m going to tell you to trust.

 

“A tree says: My strength is trust. Out of this trust I live.”
– Hermann Hesse

 

Courage, balance and strength… if I had to describe in 3 words what TRUST – my chosen word to live by in 2018 – has already given me, those would be them.

When I picked the word TRUST (actually, it picked me, popping up miraculously when I had already decided on a different one), I thought it was a fun thing to do – inspired by other Instagrammers talking about their choices. “Sure, it’ll be a helpful guide“ I thought. I didn’t think it would bring me that much growth. So with 2018 already moving swiftly into its second half, it’s time to reflect on the past 6 1/2 months of trust.

 

To start off with the everyday changes, my decision-making has improved drastically. Confronted with options I tend to get into overthinking mode quickly, but I now consciously cut this shorter by focussing on trusting my instinct, my opinion, my skills and my heart more. It’s practice, training that trust muscle!

Especially being a graphic designer, I create options, I explore – which always at some stage of the design process – leaves me frantic which direction to push, and I don’t see the forest for the trees. Design is a process, as is life, and it should actually be enjoyable. Trust has brought this back to me. I stay focused, I trust the process and I also know I can trust my decisions. This brings such calm and balance that work actually flows much more organically and with joy.

Generally, with all decision making, we can trust our inner guidance… when thoughts and indecisiveness keep spinning, we really can tune more into our inner knowing – the gut feeling that our mind loves to overwrite so often… Trust really brings a confidence that in itself creates stability and informed decisions. Informed in the sense that we simply know. (And also trust, that we will learn from any ‘mistakes‘) 🙂

 

Trust calms any anxiety rising. Having had quite severe anxiety during and after my uni times, I still recognise the anxious sensation rising within me, sometimes more, sometimes less, but I can observe it these days and be ok with it. It’s a long story and probably will get its own blog post soon.

I’ve realised I had actually lost all trust in my physical and also my mental strength. Anxiety gets a grip on you and you really just let fear rule you. I am gaining back trust in my own strength, my ability and especially trust that there is nothing to fear (unless there is… but 99% is just fear of things that will never happen).

Trust gives me confidence and also a gentle way of security. It’s a funny mix of courage yet feeling safe with it.

 

The first leap of faith / trust brings actions that then lead to more trust and confidence. Traveling on my own to a ‘Radical Gratitude Retreat‘ on a very remote Scottish island has been a good challenge and I probably took a cab too much when I could have just walked from one Glasgow train station to the next… (in between the trains, ferry, bus, boat). But I also trust that these little safety moments are ok. I can do this all calmly and I trust my instinct when I can GO and when I need to SLOW DOWN.

I love the gentleness but absolute strength of trust. It is self love, self compassion – it’s you looking after yourself calmly and confidently.

 

I have very much begun to focus on trusting my heart again. I hadn’t even realized how closed it was and how it had been ‘kept quiet’ for some time. I am very grateful I’ve had the trust to open it again – to love, self love and also more in friendship. Just being more vulnerable and real, speaking from the heart and sometimes leaving the ego at the door, when it actually keeps shouting, has been a real.. well, heart opener.

 

In the bigger scheme of things, I trust life and universe. I’ve always trusted the flow of my life and that things will work out alright (or for a reason) in the end… especially when I was younger. Those were actually the times when life was flowing much easier than in moments when I did get lost in doubt or worries. I do remember once saying to a friend, “I don’t know why I have this easy life, everything is just flowing, I’m not learning anything, my soul must be really young”. In hindsight, I think it was my youthful ease and trust that allowed and attracted it all to flow. Well, and also hard work and being fearlessly youthful.

I think the times when I stopped trusting this and fear crept in, those were also the times when life stopped flowing and bringing opportunities. The law of attraction at its finest. But with also a very rational explanation – if you fear, you stop, you hold yourself back… how can new opportunities meet you?

I still love the whole of my journey so far, especially seeing parts of it more clearly in hindsight. I really love where I am now and who I am becoming (or better: who I am meeting again).

It’s a growing friendship and love with life, universe, myself and all there is. It is an inner peace and calm that I’ve been searching for for a while.

 

Trust also teaches acceptance. It gives a litte peace in our hearts that there will be things we cannot change. We will grieve for loved ones, we’ll learn that we can’t change another person the way we want them to, we’ll have to accept our own ageing… It’ll be painful and unacceptable until we surrender and … well, accept – until we trust that this is life, the highest good for all, a purpose that we might not know (yet) or a blessing in disguise, a lesson, a new path revealing itself…

I trust in my path (obstacles, not knowing et al) and I trust it’s all part of the learning.

 

Saying yes to things that scare or challenge me has been a big part of this year’s journey of trust. I’ve said yes to solo traveling, to speaking my truth, to opening my heart, to jumping over fear, to pushing yet knowing my boundaries, to being vulnerable, to universe, to surrender, to self love, to being me and healing the parts that have been hiding my light.

 

Trust feels quietly confident and also bursting with courage at the same time. I am very grateful I’ve picked this word for this year… and I feel it’ll be for life.

 

 

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